Who You Are Now
by gracepresley
Summary: Kim left Seaford after graduating. Two years later she comes back, running to Jack, but she's just not the same anymore... Where did she go and why is she back? (KICK)
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: New Kick story! I liked this idea a lot, and I was gonna do it for Leolivia, but I tried and then I realized I don't know Leo and Olivia as well as I know Jack and Kim! Haha :) So I just changed it to Kick, and I love it all the same, maybe even more.**

 **DISCLAIMER: I don't own Kickin' It or any of these characters, EXCEPT my OC Ella.**

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Chapter One

I wasn't doing anything particularly spectacular on the night of my twentieth birthday (more like two AM on the morning _after_ my twentieth birthday). I was just walking by the beach with Ella. I wanted to go out to the ocean, one of my favorite places to be, but that really wasn't Ella's thing, so we stayed on the sandy sidewalk, strolling and letting the sound of the waves crashing on the shore fill the silence between us.

Ella had her arms folded while she watched her feet take small graceful steps, trying to keep from getting too much sand in her black flats. When she noticed me watching her, she looked up and gave me a quick sheepish smile before looking down again. She held on tighter to her long grey cardigan, pulling it so that it covered up her white sundress. Her shoulder-length, straight, brown and stick thin hair was blowing around in the warm wind, getting tangled, but she ignored it. She never put her hair up.

"Do you have to be home soon?" I asked just to ask something.

She snapped her head up, looking at me with wide startled eyes. I had surprised her just by saying something.

"No," she answered softly. "I stopped having a curfew when my Dad started working nights shifts."

"That makes sense." I laughed lightly. "What's he do?"

"He's a nurse. Not the manliest job, but…" she trailed off with a shrug. "My Mom was too," she added.

"Is that what you wanna do?"

She laughed a real laugh, surprising me for the first time that night. It was loud, and she threw her head back. She even stopped walking, bending over slightly. I hadn't seen her laugh like that before and it was infectious.

"What's so funny?" I asked her, but I was bent forward myself from laughing.

She shook her head. "The idea that you think I know what I want to do with my life!" She replied quickly, speaking louder and less hesitantly than before, like she wasn't thinking it over too hard. "Oh my Gosh! Please. I don't even… I couldn't even decide on what to order at that restaurant! I sincerely hope that was a joke, Jack." She punched my arm playfully.

I shrugged. "Well that's okay too! I mean, there's a million possibilities. Not like you have to decide it all right now. Just thought you might have a plan. You look like the type to have a plan," I said absentmindedly.

She did look like the type to have a plan. The smart type. The perfectionist type. The 'I've known what college I want to go to since I was five' type. That was what I thought when I first saw her three weeks ago at Jerry's—her cousin's—going away party.

She was standing off to the side, staying close by the wall, withdrawn. She scanned the room with big chestnut brown eyes, looking out of place and vaguely frightened. She didn't belong there. She didn't want to be there. Crowds made her anxious. I could tell from one look. But I liked her. There was some magnetic quality about her, something that led me to approach her.

When I came up to her, she looked at me as if I was the actual devil. Her hand flew up to her cross necklace and she fiddled with it, not breaking eye contact with me. I could have turned around and rejoined my friends, but all I wanted then was to make that girl feel comfortable in an uncomfortable place. So I spoke to her.

Her voice shook at first, and her hand stayed on her golden chain, but after I complimented her pink skirt, she loosened up. She talked back to me in sentences rather than in single words. She gave me an incandescent smile that brightened her eyes. Her hand fell back by her side.

I don't know. I just liked Ella. I liked her name and her hair. I liked her soft singsong voice and her gentle eyes. I liked the freckles sprinkled lightly across her nose and the way she held onto my arm when we were in a crowd.

"I look like the type to have a plan?" Ella repeated back to me, furrowing her eyebrows in confusion.

We slowly started walking again.

"Yeah. You do," I told her honestly.

She smiled. "'Cause I'm quiet, right? Yeah, everyone in school always assumed I was smart. But I'm really not. I made average grades. As and Bs with a C or two sprinkled in here and there. And I don't see myself getting into a good college because I didn't take any extracurricular activities because I don't really have that many interests. All the clubs seemed stupid and boring," she explained.

"Well did you apply to any?"

It was July, the summer after senior year for Ella, who had just graduated, and anyone who was going to start college in the fall had already been accepted months ago.

"No. I don't even know if I'll go. I hate school. I'm taking a year and then if I do make a decision to go, I'll go next fall. My Dad's not happy about it, but I kind of like the way it feels. It's… free. Do you ever regret not going?" She stopped and turned to me.

I stopped too, her serious question taking me by surprise. I looked at her. "Not usually. I mean, every now and then I get that 'what if' feeling, but also, it was the right choice for me. I hate school too. I hate the grades and the stress and the learning stuff you don't care about… But I love karate. I love doing it and teaching it and why not make a career out of that if I can, you know?"

She nodded, looking somewhere beside me. She never maintained eye contact for too long.

"Yeah. You're lucky you have something like that. I'm not good at a lot. I don't care, really. I just wanna scrape by. That's literally all I want in life. Make a living. Not be homeless. My only goal."

"I think you can achieve that," I said, laughing.

She shrugged, smiling slightly at the ground. She crossed her arms tighter, as if the sticky hot summer air was chilling her skin.

I reached up slowly and put a hand on the side of her face. She smiled sweetly up at me, then half-closed her eyes, leaning in a little. I placed my other hand on her lower back and brought her closer to me, just so that I could feel her warm body against mine. I kissed her gently. As my lips glided over hers, I tasted the mint chapstick she had put on earlier when the wind was at its strongest. I remembered her saying how she always used mint chapstick because she liked the way it made her lips tingle, and when we broke apart, I felt that sensation too.

"Was that a goodbye kiss?" She asked me, pouty.

I nodded to the big yellow house across the street—Ella's house. My truck parked in front. "Yeah, I guess so."

We crossed the street hand-in-hand and she gave me one last peck on the cheek before running up onto her front porch. When she got to the door, she turned and waved back at me.

I hopped in my truck and left once I saw that she was safely inside.

I got back to my apartment, only realizing how tired I was when I walked in and saw my bed. Those navy blue sheets and that old mattress had never looked so comfortable. I threw my keys down on the kitchen counter, ready to take the few steps over to my bed and fall straightforward onto it when a picture caught my eye.

When I threw my keys, they slid a little across the counter and bumped into it. I had put that picture there right after I moved in and I didn't think much about it usually, but every now and then I liked to look at it, which was why I sat it there in the first place. It was just an old picture of me, Milton, Jerry, and Kim, back from when we were about fourteen.

I picked it up and thought about then and now. Milton was happily at Harvard with people just as weird as him—people who liked to learn. Jerry had just moved to Chicago and was living with some girl he met on the internet. Kim was at NYU, though I didn't know how she was doing because I hadn't talked to her since the day she left for New York two years ago.

I was the only one of the crew still in Seaford. Sometimes it bothered me and sometimes it comforted me. But it was all fine, because everything really was going okay for me. I had a job, still working with Rudy, and it payed the rent (on a tiny studio apartment). I had Ella, my kinda-sorta girlfriend (we hadn't used that term yet).

Yes, things were okay. I missed Milton and Jerry, but I still talked to them all the time. They still visited. We stayed close. And as for Kim—well, she had been gone so long it barely hurt anymore.

It only hurt when I looked back at an old picture, remembering how things used to be, and knowing how far gone it all was. How we were all adults, and all living our lives separately, and how none of us even had a clue who Kim was now.

I just shook it off.

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 **A/N: Kinda sad? Maybe? I'm not sure. But anyway, this was really a set up kinda chapter, so it focused more on Jack's life now, which was why Kim wasn't brought up till the end there. She's not part of his life anymore. But it is totally a story about Jack and Kim still. Just… wait for it.**

 **Please review if you'd like me to continue this! :)**


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: THANK YOU SO MUCH Emmy7399, Maddyliza1234, M, compdancer, and the two Guests, y'all made my day! This chapter is for y'all!**

 **And to Maddyliza—I'm really glad you like Ella! I was hoping people would… I like her too :)**

 **DISCLAIMER: I don't own Kickin' It or any of these characters except my OC, Ella.**

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Chapter Two

I started out my day with Cheerios, like usual, mostly because they were quick. Every now and then I would stop by McDonald's on the way to the dojo for their breakfast, but I tried not to do that a lot because that was bad for me. My parents never let me have McDonald's, or just about any fast food place when I lived with them, because fast food was for the weak.

So was coffee, though, which I had brewing as I poured milk into my bowl of cereal. But that was because I rarely got a full eight hours of sleep anymore. Once work was over, I wanted to do something with my friends, and then we stayed out too late, and if I didn't have plans and tried falling asleep at ten, like I did when I lived with my parents, I just couldn't do it. I was too wired.

I moved out a little over a year ago, just before I turned nineteen, and my Dad was terrified for me. He knew I wouldn't stick to my schedule without him around to pull me out of bed at seven in the morning and drag me to our home gym for my morning workout. My Dad always reminded me that order is one of the most important things in life. If I got up just an hour later today, I would want to do it tomorrow too. If I skipped my morning workout today, I would want to tomorrow too. Just a small change in plans could alter the way I viewed everything, and suddenly all order was lost, and my life was chaos. That was what my Dad explained to me when I was little, whenever I asked him to let me stay home from practice.

"Just for today!" I would beg him.

"If you do it today, you'll want to do it tomorrow. We can't break order. You know that, Jack," he would gently remind me, giving me a pat on the back.

I'd sigh, but I wouldn't bother saying anything else. I'd just get in his truck and I didn't complain any after that. He was right, after all. Everything depended on order.

But order wasn't something I thought about much anymore. I did whatever I had to do to get through my day and sometimes it was bad for me. My days weren't necessarily bad, though, just kind of dull. I missed having my friends around to make things exciting. When they were there, something was always going on to keep me busy.

If I was honest, I was counting on Jerry to come back sometime soon. For the time being, he was happy in Chicago with Erica, but he had only known her six months before he left to go live with her, and, well, that didn't seem promising to me. I didn't expect it to last. Jerry wasn't one to make great decisions anyway.

"He is so stupid," Ella had said about him once when he came up in conversation, about a week after he left. "He just doesn't think about stuff. He acts purely on emotion. It's dangerous. He's always been that way, though."

She was right about that. I had never known Jerry to think.

As wrong as it was, a part of me did hope something went wrong in Chicago so that he would come back and I would at least have someone else at the dojo.

Rudy still ran it, but when I got there he always took off. He'd gotten married to Ms. Applebaum, my old health teacher, two years ago, and now they had a six month old baby—Rudy Jr., of course, because what else would Rudy have named his son? Ever since he'd been born Rudy stayed with him because Bethany still taught at school. He decided I could handle the dojo myself, just like he once did, and I _could_ , but that didn't mean I wanted to.

When I walked in the door, Rudy was already waiting on me, standing by the entrance with a stroller. Rudy Jr. was sleeping peacefully in it.

"Hey Jack!" Rudy greeted me in his quiet 'the baby is sleeping' voice. "You're a little late. I mean, but that's okay."

I rolled my eyes at him tiredly.

"You can handle it by yourself today, right?" He asked, just as he did every day.

"Yes. I handle it by myself every day," I retorted, letting my voice get a little too loud.

He held a finger up to his mouth in a 'shh' motion, then pointed down to the stroller. "Keep your voice down. I'll see you at, like, five, then," he said the last part in a jolly tone, like he didn't catch on to my annoyance.

"Okay!" I exclaimed, purposely speaking loudly.

He shh'd me angrily before leaving the dojo.

That was that.

I spent the the majority of the day teaching mostly kids, some teenagers, and a couple of adults with white belts basic karate. I only had two classes of the more advanced belts, but that still wasn't exciting enough for me.

I hadn't made friends with any of the students, not like Rudy had with us, and that upset me. I tried, but I didn't even really get along with any of them. But again, most of them were kids, and I had never been good with kids. They were annoying and I could never know what they were going to say or do. They made me incredibly uncomfortable.

When five o'clock finally came around, I texted Ella to see if she wanted to do anything. A few minutes later I got a text back that said:

 _pizza party for two at my house?_

 _Pizza_. Another thing my parents never allowed me to eat. Without hesitating, I responded with a 'YES'. My Dad would have died.

At about that same time, Rudy walked in—strollerless this time. He came back when I left and stayed until around eight, doing all the paperwork he needed to do and making all the calls he needed to make to keep the dojo running.

"All right. You are dismissed," Rudy announced to me formally, jokingly, and gestured toward the door. "Unless you wanna stay and help me—"

"I have plans!" I cut him off, holding a hand up.

He laughed. "Aw okay. Are your plans with Ella, maybe?" He asked, raising his eyebrows and nudging me as if we were in fifth grade.

I smiled, pushing him away. "Yes, they are. Goodbye Rudy."

"Have fun. Not too much fun, but a little fun," Rudy called out as I walked away, and I waved behind me in response.

At Ella's, we sat on her yellow couch in her yellow house and drank Dr. Pepper out of her yellow cups. We ate pizza and watched Glee, a show I never liked or disliked, and a show Ella had just started watching and loved. Her Dad was at the hospital again, so we were alone.

I was alone in a big nice house with my girlfriend. Her bedroom was upstairs. I had been in it once before when she forgot to get her purse, and I waited in the doorway and just took a look around. Her walls were painted an annoying bright shade of yellow, which didn't surprise me. Her bedspread was white with yellow lemons on it and green leaves. Everything else was pure white. All the furniture—her two end tables, her dresser, her TV stand (with a big, ancient-looking TV on it), her desk (with a nice, brand new Mac on it). She grabbed her white bag from where it sat on her end table and slung it over her shoulder, then closed her Macbook that was laying on her bed.

"Sorry it's kinda messy," she said, smiling over at me.

I looked around the room again when she said that, thinking I must have missed the mess and noticed a white dress splayed out across the floor in the corner of her room. A yellow polka-dotted glass was sitting empty on her nightstand. She had a box of crackers on her bed, which she picked up and took downstairs when we left. And that was it.

Literally, that was it, that was the 'mess'. I didn't say anything then, but if she thought her room was messy then I wouldn't be inviting her to my apartment any time soon, or any time ever.

Her room was a lot like her, though.

So I thought about her and her bedroom while I pretended to be interested in whatever the hell was going on on Glee. I tried imagining being with her on that lemon-printed comforter. Kissing her, kissing her, and then… that was where my daydream stopped. I couldn't imagine sleeping with Ella. I don't know if it was because it was obvious that she was religious, from her cross necklace and her rosary bracelet and just the way she acted in general, or because of the intimidatingly large painting of the Virgin Mary on the wall overlooking us, but my imagination wasn't going there. Then again, it might have just been because I had only ever had sex once before. I didn't know. I had never felt quite the same way about sex as other people had. It never meant as much to me.

I looked to Ella, who was watching Finn and Rachel intently. The TV was the only light in the room and it illuminated her spotless silky skin. I reached over and lightly put my hand on her shoulder, then she scooted closer, so that we were pressed against each other.

I turned to her and kissed her, my lips practically enveloping hers, which were thin but soft. We moved together as one, so that I was almost on top of her. She clasped her hands around my neck, tracing my lips gently with her tongue. She was always gentle. In words and actions.

I was hoping we would get somewhere that night—though I knew we probably wouldn't—because I wanted to get that over with so it wouldn't have to be that Big Huge Thing towering over us anymore. But it didn't happen.

Instead, my phone rang, and I broke apart from her. I pulled it out of my pocket and rolled my eyes at Rudy's name on the screen.

"I guess I'll… take this. Sorry," I told Ella.

"It's fine," she promised me, smiling. She tugged on the bottom of her black t-shirt, which had come up slightly.

"Hello?" I answered Rudy, only sounding a little annoyed.

"I need you to come back," Rudy told me seriously.

"What? I can't. I told you I had plans."

"Yes, but I really need your help over here."

"Rudy. I'm busy."

"Yes, I know! With Ella! And I'm sorry, I don't meant to screw up your date, but this is urgent," he swore, and he did sound like he was nervous about something. "You know I wouldn't ask you if I didn't really need you to."

"What is it, then?" I asked impatiently.

"Jack, just come."

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 **A/N: So how do y'all feel about the turns everyone's lives have taken since the end of season 4? Is it what you expected from them? And do you like Jack and Ella or no?**

 **Please leave me a review if you're enjoying this so I'll know to continue! :)**


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N: THANKS SO MUCH FOR ALL THE SWEET REVIEWS! Y'all are great! :D**

 **This was kinda hard for me to write, so I hope it's okay!**

 **DISCLAIMER: I don't own Kickin' It.**

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Chapter 3

After apologizing to Ella (who, of course, completely understood, which somehow made me feel even worse about leaving), I went back to the dojo to find out what was going on. Rudy wasn't usually serious, so whenever he was I knew it was important. Besides, he would never have interrupted my date with Ella if he didn't have to.

"Jack!" He whisper-shouted my name when I walked in the door. "Glad you're here. There is a problem."

"Why are you whispering?" I asked him, keeping my voice quiet as well. I didn't see Rudy Jr. asleep anywhere.

"Oh. Uh, well… no reason," he decided, and started speaking normally. "I don't think we could wake her up even if we yelled. She's totally out."

I furrowed my eyebrows in confusion. "Who?"

He took a breath. "That's the weird part. Follow me."

We went upstairs to his office, and I couldn't imagine who had fallen asleep in there, or why it was a big deal, or why he called me, and all I could think was that I would rather be making out with my girlfriend on her ugly yellow couch.

Yet when I walked in his office, I forgot about that, along with any other thing in the world, because there was a blonde girl slumped over asleep in his red chair, and I couldn't see her face but I knew exactly who it was. The only person that he would call me to come see. Her hair had gotten even longer, and right then it looked like a mess, tangled and falling in front of her face, which I was dying to see. She was dressed simply in a black tank top and tiny white jean shorts, showing off her golden tanned legs. Black flip flops were on the floor by the chair, and her knees were brought up to her chest, her arms wrapped around them. One wrist was covered in dangling bracelets, while her nails were painted bright red.

I stared. I didn't say anything for a long time.

Rudy broke the silence.

"So I was gonna leave early today, because my mother-in-law's coming over to eat and I can't be late because she already hates me, so Jack, you've got to do something about this," he told me.

He held the keys to the dojo up in front of me. I swatted them away.

"What the fuck? Are you joking? Rudy, I don't even… it's _Kim_ ," I said, not even sure if I was forming sentences and too shocked to care.

"Yes, exactly. She's your problem."

"How is she my problem? I haven't talked to her in two years. I don't even know her anymore," I said, only realizing the truth behind that after I spoke.

"Well she asked for you."

"She did? What for? Why is she…? What is she…?" I trailed off, unsure of what I was even trying to say. I ran a hand through my hair in exasperation. "Ugh!"

"She came in and asked if you were here. I said no. But I knew you'd wanna know if she was here and all, so I called you, and when I hung up she was out cold," he explained.

"That's weird." I reached out and put my hand on her back. I shook her lightly, leaning down trying to see her face. I shook her a little harder. "Is she fucking breathing?" I asked, genuinely concerned.

Rudy laughed, though. "Oh she's fine," he assured me, waving it off. "I saw her move right before you came in."

I shook my head. "So what am I supposed to do with her?"

"I don't know. Take her back to your place."

"How do you expect me to do that if I can't wake her up?"

"Carry her? I don't know! Deal with it, though. I gotta go," he told me. "And don't forget her stuff," he added, nodding to the blue suitcase and black bag by the door.

Rudy threw me the keys before turning around and walking out his office door. I called out his name angrily, not wanting him to leave, but he just waved at me and went down the stairs. I rolled my eyes at Kim, sleeping in the chair beside me.

I didn't feel like dealing with that.

It was funny because I had imagined the moment I saw Kim again a million times, but I had never imagined it that way. I always thought she would be conscious when it happened.

I thought it would be like a movie. She would look beautiful. Maybe she'd be wearing a sundress or something. Her hair would be curled and she would look the same, only a little more mature. We'd spot each other at the same time, lock eyes, and we would just stare for a moment, unsure of what to do, and it would be a little awkward, so we would wave. Then we would approach each other. It would take a minute for us to get comfortable together, but when we did we would get coffee, and talk about our lives and the relationships we had both just conveniently gotten out of. I would feel just the same way about her as I did back when we were together. I would love her. We'd end up kissing or something.

Yeah. It would be perfect.

But the real life scene didn't live up to those expectations, which really shouldn't have surprised me, but for some reason did.

If Kim really wouldn't wake up there wasn't anything I could think to do with her other than, as Rudy suggested, carry her. I gave her another good shake before taking her wrist and checking her pulse. It was strong. A good normal kind of strong. She was definitely alive.

I sighed, realizing my only option, and picked her up. From the position she was in, I had to do it bridal-style.

Her hair fell from in front of her face and I could finally see her. Really see her.

She didn't look the same, though. Her face seemed thinner, though that might have just been her makeup, which was heavy. On one eye, her black eyeliner was smudged nearly all the way to her hairline, while on the other it still looked perfect, winged out dramatically. Her lips were a bright purpley-pink color, and they looked plumper than I had remembered, but I knew I must have been remembering wrong because Kim would never get lip injections or anything like that. Anyway, she could have just lined them herself. Makeup was pretty powerful, and she clearly had mastered it since I had known her. I didn't mind girls wearing a lot of makeup or anything, but I was sort of upset that she seemed to have changed so much. I always thought she would look the same. She was still pretty, though. I had a feeling she would always be pretty.

Something about the moment didn't feel right. _I_ didn't feel right. Because I was supposed to feel something and I didn't feel much at all. When I looked at her, I saw a girl that I would never talk to. I saw a girl that hung out with the people I distanced myself from. She wasn't like Kim.

Right then, looking down at her, I missed Kim more than I ever had before.

I shook my head, wanting to turn my mind off, and focused on what I was doing. I was leaving. I was taking that girl to my apartment.

I managed to pick up her heavy bag and I swung it onto my shoulder, then I reached down and grabbed the handle of the suitcase.

When I did that, I felt the body in my arms move.

I stopped then, staying perfectly still, mostly because I was scared of her being awake and having to talk to her. I didn't know what I was going to say. I didn't know what she was going to say. I didn't know why she was here. I didn't want to know right then. Then, I just wanted to go home.

"Jack," she said my name quietly.

I stayed still. I looked ahead, at the door.

She put both her arms around my neck and pulled herself up so that her head was laying on my shoulder. I could feel her warm breath on my neck.

That was it, though. I stayed standing still and waiting for her to say something more, to look at me or something else, but she didn't. She was still again. She was asleep again.

 _What the fuck?_ I asked myself, unsure of what was going on with that girl, but I was also relieved that she wasn't going to talk to me. I was in no state to have a conversation with her. I was freaking out. In my mind, I was screaming.

The way she moved freed up one of my arms, so I could easily grab her suitcase, along with the black flip flops that I assumed were hers because she was barefoot and I doubted that they were Rudy's.

She slept all the way to the apartment building and all the way up the stairs to my place. She really was out. She had to have taken something. I wish I knew what, and I also hoped I would never find out what.

I laid her down in my bed and I laid down on the couch.

I didn't sleep at all.

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 **A/N: So what the hell is going on?**

 **Please review and let me know how y'all feel about this so I'll know to continue or not! :)**


	4. Chapter 4

**A/N: Thank you for all the sweet reviews guys! I'm glad y'all enjoy this.**

 **DISCLAIMER: I don't own Kickin' It.**

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Chapter Four

I couldn't go to sleep knowing Kim Crawford was in my apartment, in my bed, knowing she could wake up any time. The idea of talking to her, the idea of her not being the same person as she was before terrified me. I just always thought she would be the same. After all, I was the same.

 _Wasn't I?_

Maybe she was the same, though. Maybe just her outward appearance had changed into something a little harder, and aside from that she was actually the same as she had been before she left. Or maybe it was stupid of me to think that anyone could stay the same for two whole years.

My mind wouldn't shut up all night.

When the Sun came up and Kim was still asleep, I decided to give her one last little shake before I got in the shower. She didn't stir.

So I took a shower—the quickest shower I had ever taken, probably—then peaked out the bathroom door to see if she had moved. She hadn't. I anxiously checked her pulse again, and it seemed fine. I compared it to my own. They seemed about the same.

Had anyone ever slept that long without moving even a little? It didn't seem quite right.

At 9:34 in the morning, I heard the sound of bedsheets rustling, and I turned my head.

There she was, in motion, Kim Crawford. Actually. There. In my bed. What a strange sight to see. She sat up, hair tangled in a huge mess, to the point it almost resembled cotton candy.

I hopped up from my place on the couch and, shaking, I went and stood in front of the bed, thinking she was probably confused and wondering where she was.

We looked right at each other for what felt like a solid minute before she broke out into a huge smile. She surprised me by jumping up from the bed and throwing her arms around my neck. Her body was hot against mine and for a second it did feel the same. I wrapped my arms around her too, around her waist, and I closed my eyes and pretended no time had passed. But of course, that couldn't just last forever, and she let go of me after a moment.

She kept her warm hands on my arms, looking at me wide-eyed and joyful. Her makeup was a mess and so was her hair but there was something still so beautiful about that. Like a fucked-up painting with rough edges and wavy lines. You would see it in a museum and maybe you would mindlessly say 'oh, I could paint that'.

"Jack! I can't believe I'm looking at you!" She said excitedly, squeezing my arm.

"Yeah, it's been a while!" I couldn't think of much to say.

"You cut your hair!" She exclaimed, letting my arm go and picking up a strand of my hair, then letting it fall. She did that a few times.

"I... thought it was time for a change." I could hear my heartbeat.

"It looks good! I haven't cut mine since I last saw you," she told me matter-of-factly, twirling her own long blonde hair. "Do you like it?" She asked, looking at me hopefully.

"Yeah! It looks great," I replied, even though it was an absolute nest at the time.

She smiled, pleased with my answer. "Can I use your shower and stuff?" She asked me.

"Yeah, sure, go ahead," I answered, motioning to the bathroom door, right in front of the bed.

Kim smiled and gave me another quick hug. That time, she kissed my cheek, which was a little weird. I tensed up. After that she took some stuff out of her bags before going in the bathroom, and I let out a sigh of relief when the door shut.

I took a seat on the couch and just stared at the coffee table, wondering if it all was a dream. Something I was imagining. Kim seemed weird. There was something weird about her that I couldn't figure out. It scared me. I was scared for her. I wanted to know why she was here. I didn't understand how she could act so happy, either. I mean, I had been holding a secret grudge against her for two years.

I was angry when she left. I didn't let her know it, but I was angry. I was crushed. I wanted her to stay with me.

I wanted her to marry me.

I thought back on that day she told me she was leaving.

Summer. June. The dojo was empty except for me, who stood in the middle of the room, turning a diamond ring around in my hand.

I wanted the proposal to be special, but I couldn't think of any place to do it other than the dojo. It was where we spent most of our time together, ever since we were twelve years old. We got to know each other there. No other place seemed as perfectly special as that one.

If I had told Milton or Jerry about what I was planning on doing they would have talked me out of it, which is why I didn't tell them. I didn't tell anyone. I knew people would just say I was too young and I was stupid. Maybe that was true. But the idea had been in my head ever since the day she got back from Japan, and it wouldn't go away. As crazy as it was, it seemed right. I wanted it. I wanted Kim. Forever.

So I waited for her for about thirty minutes, shaking hands, rapid heartbeat, terrified but excited.

When I saw her making her way to the front door, I quickly placed the ring back in its black box and slid it into my pocket. She came in already beaming, confusing me, because it wasn't like I had given her the ring yet. She was smiling huge when she came up and stood in front of me.

"Guess what?" She said, sounding giddy.

"What?"

I was actually kind of let down seeing how happy she was over some other thing, because I was hoping the whole proposal thing would be the highlight of the day. If her news was really great, I would put off the 'Marry me' until tomorrow, I decided.

She took a deep breath before announcing, "I got into NYU!"

I raised my eyebrows in shock, unsure of how to respond. It was silent for a moment, and the moment must have been too long because Kim's face fell, turning to one of disappointment.

"Jack? This is kind of a big deal," she told me, letting me know it was my time to hug her and smile and spin her around a time or two.

But all I could think to say was, "You never told me you applied there."

She rolled her eyes at my lack of enthusiasm. "Yeah, Jack, I know. Because I didn't think I would get in and I didn't want to have to tell you if I didn't. But I did!" She smiled again, hoping I would follow.

I couldn't bring myself to do that.

She frowned. "Jack? What's wrong with you? It's a really good school and I got into it. I, your girlfriend, got into the school she most wanted to get into. You, as my boyfriend, should be happy for me. Why aren't you happy for me?"

I shook my head. I thought it was obvious why I wasn't excited. New York is about as far from California as you can get. Kim was going across the country and I was staying in Seaford. How did she not understand how that was a problem?

But I just forced a smile, as painful as it was, and told her what she wanted to hear.

"No, sorry, God, Kim, of course I'm happy for you. This is great!"

She grinned again, throwing herself in my arms. I picked her up off the ground. I spun her around once. I did what I was supposed to do.

But I wasn't actually okay with any of it.

I got angry again, staring at my coffee table, hearing the sound of the shower running in my bathroom. I was over Kim. It took me about a year, but I was finally over her, I finally moved on to someone else, and then she came back.

Her timing was always shit and that was starting to really piss me off.

I lied to Ella when she texted me around eight o'clock that morning. She asked what happened at the dojo, if everything was okay. I said that it was just Rudy, getting overwhelmed with all the paperwork he had to get done, and that I was sorry about it. She said it was totally fine, of course, because she was perfect. But I kept thinking about what would happen if she found out I lied.

I hated lying to her, because I knew she wasn't the type to lie. About anything. I could tell. She was the honest type, and I didn't want to be dishonest with her. But it was my ex-girlfriend, asleep in my bed, and well, I couldn't exactly tell my current girlfriend about that, no matter how understanding she always was.

I had no clue what was going on with Kim, but all I could do was hope that she would leave soon, because I couldn't deal with it. I spent a whole year of my life wishing she would come back to me, and she finally did, but I didn't want that anymore. Maybe because I was terrified of falling back in love with her.

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 **A/N: Why do y'all think Kim came back? What do you think is going on with her?**

 **Please continue to review so I'll know people are reading, that way I'll keep writing!**


	5. Chapter 5

**A/N: Thank y'all for reviewing! Sorry I kept putting off writing this chapter, I really wasn't sure where to start off, but once I do finally start it, it usually just flows from there.**

 **Long chapter ahead.**

 **DISCLAIMER: I don't own Kickin' It.**

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Chapter Five

Kim gazed around the dojo, looking up, down, left, right, her eyes filled with wonderment, making her look almost child-like. But she wasn't a child anymore. Two years ago she was a child, but as I looked at her then there was something so obviously mature about her. It was something in the way she carried herself that was different than I remembered. When she walked through the mall, she walked with confidence, with grace, smiling at each person she made eye contact with, like she knew herself and knew who she wanted to be. I almost envied that.

Seeing her there, standing in the middle of the dojo, though, was so strange. I think I had forgotten what that looked like. I tried pretending it was two years ago, and she was my girlfriend, and everything was perfect and happy, but I couldn't do it. Not only did she not look like my Kim, but I couldn't make myself feel the same way about her—the same way I did before. Not even just for a minute.

It wasn't like I hated Kim; I could never hate Kim. It wasn't like I never wanted to see her again; I always hoped I would see her again. But something about the timing was just wrong. I didn't want her then.

I didn't want to be in the dojo with Kim.

I wanted to be on the beach with Ella.

Kim was only complicating things right then. I didn't have feelings for that girl anymore. Things might have been different if she came back the same person she was when she left, but it wasn't that way, and I didn't feel anything.

"Nothing's changed!" Kim exclaimed, sounding pleasantly surprised. She twirled around on the karate mat. "Wow! It's just been so long!"

I didn't feel like talking about that because it wasn't important. I asked her something important.

"Why are you here?"

A little out of the blue, a little harsh. I said it just how I felt it.

She turned to look at me, her eyes widening with shock. She hadn't expected me to ask that. She probably expected me to welcome her back happily, no questions asked, just 'Wow, oh God, I missed you so much, I love you so much', because that was the kind of love we used to have. That 'I'll love you forever no matter what,' kind of bullshit love that only exists in a Nicholas Sparks novel. We always thought we had that. Back then, it felt real to both of us.

Kim quickly smiled again, though, the look of shock on her face turning back to happiness. "Your birthday was…" She trailed off, thinking for a moment. "The day before yesterday."

I shrugged. "That doesn't answer my question."

Her smiled faded. I didn't get it, whatever 'it' was that I was supposed to get. "I'm your present," she said, motioning to her body.

I furrowed my eyebrows, not quite sure of what she meant by that. "Wait. What are you saying?" I asked her awkwardly.

She huffed. "I didn't mean…" She paused. "I just thought you'd be happy to see me. Aren't you?"

"Of course I am!" I half-lied immediately, knowing that had to be my answer to that question, or I would probably have a crying girl (woman?) on my hands and I sucked at comforting crying girls. They made me insanely uncomfortable.

She wasn't easily convinced though, it seemed, because her eyes were still sad. She took a big step towards me so that she was almost touching me. She looked up at me with her big amber eyes, tilting her head slightly. "Don't you think I'm pretty?" She asked in a slick tone that gave me chills.

Her eyes hypnotized me. "You're… beautiful, Kim," I told her truthfully. There was no denying that.

She grinned. "Don't you wanna kiss me?"

That bold question hung in the air for a moment as I just stared back at her, wide-eyed and trying to think of something to say other than ' _I have a girlfriend'_. I didn't want to tell Kim about Ella. I don't know why. It just didn't seem like a good idea. But did Kim really expect to come back and have things just go back to the way they were? Did she expect me to be waiting on her, praying for her? Did she really think I worshipped her that way? Maybe a long time ago, but that was a long time ago.

Thankfully we were interrupted by the sound of a baby crying.

 _Thank God for Rudy Jr., that little fucking miracle_ , I thought to myself as I turned away from Kim, looking in the direction of Rudy's office. She followed my gaze, confused.

"Who has a baby?" She asked.

"Rudy and Ms. Applebaum—now Mrs. Gillespie," I informed her, trying to not let my voice come out strangled, even though I was still shaken up from the whole do-you-want-to-kiss-me thing.

She turned to face me quickly, her mouth dropping open. "What?"

"Yeah." I was still just glad I made my way around that kiss.

"Oh my God! Rudy has a kid! Wow. That's something," she said, looking back up the stairs.

"Yeah. Some things have changed."

"Hey, what about Jerry?" She asked, suddenly remembering. "He stayed here, right?"

Kim really hadn't kept in contact with anyone. I didn't understand and I wanted to know why. I had way too many questions for her.

"He was here up until three weeks ago. Then he moved to Chicago."

Her eyes lit up. "That's where I was!" She told me joyfully.

"Wait, didn't you go to New York?" I asked, narrowing my eyes in confusion.

She looked to the floor, an expression on her face that told me she just realized she shouldn't have said what she said.

"Oh… yeah. No, I was just in Chicago for, like, a week. A trip. To see my aunt. Who lives there," she replied, taking a small step forward and not meeting my eyes. Her voice was too nervous and she seemed too jittery for me to believe what she was saying, but I had no idea why she would lie about that either.

If she wasn't in New York, where was she?

Another question to add to the list of questions I wasn't sure I would ever get around to asking.

"So anyway… why's he in Chicago?" She changed the subject.

I just went with it. "He met a girl online."

She laughed lightly. "That sounds like him. What was it on, like ?"

I smiled. "Christian Mingle."

" _Christian Mingle_?" She repeated, eyes wide. She laughed. "Now that does not sound like Jerry."

I shrugged. "He did it 'ironically'. And he met some girl on there that was doing it as a joke too and… they lived happily ever after, I guess," I told her the love story of the century.

"Beautiful," she joked.

At that time, Rudy stepped out of his office holding Rudy Jr. and pushing his stroller in front of him. He had heard us talking and was wondering how long I had been there—how long he had been there when he didn't have to be.

He talked to Kim for a minute, and she acted particularly normal—more like her old self—in front of him, and I wondered if she did that on purpose. She got introduced to Rudy Jr., and she seemed slightly uncomfortable because she was never great with babies or kids. He asked her about NYU, and she nervously told him it was great, and I think he believed her, but I didn't.

He left, and fifteen minutes later a class came in. I was, for once, thankful to have to teach a class because that meant I didn't have to talk to Kim.

Kim stayed in Rudy's office for the rest of the day, too, so I _really_ didn't have to talk to her. At all. I almost forgot she was there. Until the last class left and I could finally leave, then I remembered I had someone to take with me. I was dying to ask her when the hell she was going back to Chicago or New York or _wherever_ , but I didn't want to be rude.

I guess I was still holding that grudge.

We ate at Circus Burger and on the way back to my house I had my phone sitting in the cupholder, like usual, and it started vibrating. I reached down to pick it up when Kim slapped my hand away and picked it up herself.

"Don't text and drive, Jack!" She told me, almost angrily.

"I just wanted to see who it was!" I defended, only sort of lying. It depended on who the person was if I would reply or not. If I would risk my life to respond.

"Ella."

Hearing Kim say that name, I felt like I was sinking. I wanted to grab the phone away from her, but I controlled myself. I just didn't like the idea of my past getting mixed up with my present (and my future, probably, too).

"Who's Ella?" She asked, and I was surprised, because I didn't think she would even ask. I thought she might actually respect my privacy, respect that I did have a life apart from her, but I was wrong about that.

I rolled my eyes. "She's a friend of mine," I responded tiredly.

"What's your passcode?"

"Why would you need my passcode?" I answered her question with a question.

"So I can read the text and respond for you," she told me simply.

"We're like a minute from my apartment. I can respond myself." The words came out harsher than I wanted them to.

I took my phone from her hand and sat it back in the cupholder.

It was silent for a moment before she asked, "Do you still like me?" Her voice was soft and innocent and sad, like she needed a hug.

I immediately felt awful. I wasn't angry anymore, at least not at that second, and I couldn't even remember why I was so mad in the first place. I realized then that Kim wasn't as sure of herself as she seemed to be, and that was just fine, because neither was I. Neither was Ella. Neither was Jerry, probably (I was still betting on him returning to Seaford pretty soon). Hardly anyone our age was, even if they acted like they had it all together.

"I do," I replied, turning into my parking spot. I put the truck in park and turned toward Kim.

She smiled at me. "I knew you did," she said quietly.

I laughed to myself as she opened the passenger door and hopped out.

That night, about fifteen minutes after I closed my eyes, I heard my name being called, and it woke me up from my half-sleep. I opened my eyes to complete pitch-black darkness, annoyed. If Kim wanted to have some deep late-night conversation she wouldn't be having it with me. I wasn't a night person. A morning person, sure, but not a night person.

"Jack?" She called out softly. "Jack." Louder. "Jack!" Even louder.

"What?" I finally answered, rolling my eyes.

"Are you awake?"

I sighed. "Yeah, Kim, I'm awake."

"I'm lonely," she said. "Come sleep with me."

That took me off guard, and I wasn't sure how she expected me to respond to that request. It was silent for a minute as I tried to come up with something to say.

"What? Kim… you slept alone just fine last night," I finally pointed out, remembering the previous night.

"I took Ambien," she told me like I should have already known.

 _Well now that makes sense,_ I thought. I knew it was something. Why she took it when she did was still a mystery.

"Come sleep with me," she repeated after a moment of silence.

"Kim… that's weird," I said truthfully because I couldn't think of anything else to say.

"No it's not. We're just gonna go to sleep."

I didn't argue any after that because I was tired. If I had to sleep in the same bed as my ex-girlfriend, then I had to do that. I wanted to go to bed at a decent time. And it wasn't like she was going to 'make a move' on me.

I slid in beside Kim, staying as far to my side as possible. But that didn't help anything. The second I laid down, she threw her arms around my neck and snuggled up beside me. I felt her breath on my neck and even though it was warm, it chilled me.

Another night, no sleep. I stayed completely still and I closed my eyes, but I'm pretty sure I didn't sleep at all.

My life had taken a weird, way too sudden turn.

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 **A/N: Did y'all like how this went?**

 **If y'all enjoy this story and want me to continue, please leave a review so I will know! :)**


	6. Chapter 6

**A/N: Okay guys. I accidentally deleted this… after writing the whole chapter… and it was awful… and terrible… and horrible… and I cried… so anyway. I cannot say this will be good because I had to rewrite it and the original was probably way better but God. Anyway. Ugh. Here you go. I'm still upset.**

 **But thanks for the reviews, they keep me going! They are what motivated me to freaking rewrite the thing right after losing it.**

 **DISCLAIMER: I don't own Kickin' It.**

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Chapter 6

It was too early in the morning for me to have to deal with Kim, but of course that didn't stop her from walking out of the bathroom wearing only her pink lacy bra and matching underwear. Now, I didn't get a very good look because the second she came out, wet hair dripping onto the floor behind her while she locked eyes with me, smiling, I covered my eyes, quickly sitting my coffee cup down and turning away from here.

"Oh my God!" I yelled angrily. "Kim! Where are your clothes?"

I heard her walk over to where I was standing.

"Jesus, Jack, calm down. It's not like I'm naked," she said with a laugh.

Kim kept getting odder, more and more different. She wad audacious, somewhat attention-seeking, in a way she never had been before. She dressed provocatively, which I know I should have appreciated, which sometimes I did, but I really missed her old style. Then again, I probably should have just quit comparing New Kim to Old Kim.

I uncovered and opened my eyes, but kept looking up at the ceiling.

"Yeah, Kim, but you're _half-naked_ **,** and that's weird," I explained tiredly.

"Don't you think I'm attractive?" She asked in a small voice.

 _Crap_ , I thought. Once again, I said the wrong thing. It was becoming a pattern with her.

I finally looked back at her, making sure to keep my eyes on her eyes and only her _eyes_ , which were wide-open and resembled a puppy's at that moment. She frowned at me.

"No, Kim, no, I wasn't saying that. You're…" I paused, trying to think of a word that wouldn't make her think I wanted to fuck her. Because I didn't. "You're very attractive."

I settled on using the same word she had used, but I knew it wasn't a good idea even before I said it. She smiled seductively, leaning in closer to me so that I could smell her freshly shampooed hair—citrus—and just so that I could feel her breasts against my body.

I jumped back nervously, awkwardly, too quickly. I held up a hand between us. "Kim!"

"What?"

"I'm not doing this with you!" I told her like she should have already realized that, which she should have.

"You think I'm fat!" She accused.

Women really did always bring the conversation back around to that. They always found a way. I never understood it.

" _What_?" I said, confused. "Kim! I don't think you're fat. You're not fat. At all. It's not that. It's not about that. I can't do this because…" I trailed off, not able to think of any excuse to tell her. "Because I just can't."

She rolled her eyes. "What are you, like, gay now or something?" She asked, annoyed.

I narrowed my eyes at her, shocked at the way the conversation was going. Shocked at the absurdity of the whole thing. Kim, half-naked in my apartment, upset that I didn't want to, what, _do her_?

"No, Kim, I'm not _gay_. I just don't understand any of what is going on right now! You left. You were gone for two fucking years and now you're back and, just, what did you think would happen? You couldn't have seriously expected things to just go back to the way they were before, right? After two years of no visits, no calls, no nothing? Yeah, that's what makes this"—I motioned to her body—"really fucking weird." I explained to her, frustrated, and hoped that she realized she was making no sense.

She crossed her arms over her stomach insecurely and looked down at her body, then back to me. "I just thought you'd want me to be here. But it's obvious you don't. So if you want me to just leave I can," she said quietly.

"Okay," I said numbly.

Her eyes widened with shock, not expecting me to say that. She expected me to tell her I wanted her to stay, but I wasn't going to let her manipulate me into lying that way. She had already done it a few times before.

" _Okay_?" She said it like a question. A ' _what do you mean by that_?'. A second chance to lie, to say the right thing. But I was done saying the 'right thing'. I just wanted to say what I _really_ wanted to say.

"Okay," I repeated in a cold voice. "Leave."

Her mouth dropped open, as if she was going to say something else, but then she closed it. She closed her eyes, tilted her head, like she was physically hurt, and she slowly started to turn away from me.

I decided to ask one of the questions on my list right then, and maybe that wasn't a good idea, but I did it anyway.

"So where are you gonna go, though? Not New York, right? 'Cause you weren't really in New York, right?" I asked in an accusatory tone. She turned back to me, looking fearful, like I had discovered some secret she didn't want me to know about. I smiled at her meanly. "You were some other place, doing some other thing, definitely _not_ in school. But you didn't tell me anything about that. You didn't tell me anything at all."

"Jack," she said my name. She looked terrified of what I was going to say next.

But I didn't let her say anything else. "No, wait, Kim." I held up one finger. "You said you were going to NYU. You were so excited. It was such an amazing opportunity. It was your first choice. You _had_ to go. You _had_ to! But then you… _didn't_? What the fuck? What the fuck happened that changed your mind? And why couldn't you have called me? You never called me. I called you. A few times, actually. But you never answered. I never got an answer and I just want to know why." I leaned back on the counter, waiting for her reply.

"I can't tell you why Jack!" She exclaimed, throwing her hands up dramatically. A few tears escaped her eyes and rolled down her face. "I don't know!"

I shrugged. "Just go, Kim," I said flatly.

She just looked at me for a second with her pleading tear-filled eyes as silence filled the room. I was supposed to feel something then, but I didn't.

"Okay," she finally said in a shaky voice.

She turned from me, then went over to her suitcase and pulled out a tank top and shorts (her usual) and put them on. She slid on her flip flops before grabbing her stuff. She walked over to the door. She opened it. She left. She closed it behind her.

She was gone.

I wondered where she would go.

I wondered what was going to happen to her.

I wondered if I would ever see her again.

I wondered if I cared if I ever did.

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 **A/N: Ooh so, what about that?**

 **Do y'all think Jack's being a jerk or are y'all on his side? Do you think it's justified? Interested to know how y'all feel about that. :)**

 **Please leave a review if y'all are liking this so I'll know to keep writing it!**


	7. Chapter 7

**A/N: I AM SO SORRY THIS UPDATE TOOK SO LONG! I started school like right after posting the last chapter and I should have warned y'all it'd be a while before the next one most likely.**

 **But junior year kicking my ass is not the only reason for the late update; I also just had a really hard time with this chapter. I HOPE IT'S NOT SHITTY. Writer's block or whatever. But I really do enjoy writing this, and I will keep writing it as long as y'all keep reading it!**

 **And I know y'all are reading it because you're telling me you are! Thanks for the reviews! They mean sooo much. And I love hearing your opinions on the story—where it's going, how it's going—and I see that basically all of y'all sided with Jack! That makes sense to me—Kim's being really weird after all. ;)**

 **To the reviewer lukeismine68: I am SO glad you like this so much! But you shouldn't be worried about posting your own! Go ahead and do it. No one on here is a perfect writer; we're all learning. I would love to read it and I bet other people would too.**

 **All right I'm done talking… onto chapter 7!**

 **DISCLAIMER: I don't own Kickin' It.**

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Chapter 7

After Kim left I went straight to the dojo, to work, and tried my best not to think about her—where she had been and where she was going—all day. I did okay with that. When Rudy asked where she was I just lied and said she went back to New York. He believed me because he believed her.

Once Rudy was back and it was time for me to leave, I texted Ella. I hadn't seen her in what felt like forever, even though it was only a couple days. Things seemed so different after Kim came back that it felt like a decade had passed.

I picked her up at her house and she hopped in my truck and kissed me and that felt great. She was dressed differently too, not like what I had seen her wear before. She usually dressed in whites and greys and blacks, but that night she wore a pink v-neck and white (very short) shorts. Nothing particularly _special_ , but I liked seeing her in color.

"You're so pretty," I complimented almost absent-mindedly at a red light, one hand placed on her thigh.

She turned to me and smiled sweetly. She put her hand on top of mine, then intertwined our fingers.

Ella was soft and gentle in a beautiful way that made me want to fall in love with her. She never spoke too loudly or came on too strong, but sometimes when she was really happy her laugh would bounce off the walls and if we made out she started slow but knew when to get rough. She was balanced, unlike someone else I knew.

We went to the mall because Ella needed a new dress for some wedding she was going to. She quickly found her way to one of the most expensive stores, probably with her father's credit card in her wallet. Ella didn't have a job or anything, but she was obviously pretty well-off—or, her Dad was. I knew that when I first saw her house.

A tall blonde woman asked Ella if she needed any help, and Ella shyly told her no thank you. When she walked away, Ella turned to me.

"Everyone in here's really… pretty," she commented insecurely, looking around the store.

"True," I said, looking right into her eyes and smiling.

Ella blushed and turned away from me, tucking her hair behind her ear. She walked to a grey dress and touched it, feeling the material. She furrowed her eyebrows.

"I don't like shopping," she stated simply, her eyes still on the dress. "Unless it's shopping for groceries. I like doing that."

I laughed lightly. "That's… a little weird."

She shrugged. "There's too many dresses in here. Too many options."

I looked around too, trying to spot something she might like. My eyes landed on a yellow dress—not _too_ yellow. Not like the color of her annoying walls. A pale yellow. When I got closer to it I noticed a floral pattern, which seemed like Ella to me. It wasn't too 'in your face'. Sleeveless, flaring out at the bottom in an elegant way. Simple, though.

"What about this?" I asked her, pointing to it.

She looked up from a different grey dress that she was considering and walked over to me. She examined the yellow dress.

"I don't know," she said casually.

"It's yellow. You love yellow," I pointed out.

"Yellow's okay."

" _Okay?_ Literally everything in your room is yellow."

"My Mom liked yellow," she told me flatly. "She picked out a lot of the stuff in my room. I went with it 'cause… I liked the idea of liking yellow."

"Why?" I asked curiously, wanting to know more about everything about her.

"I don't know," she said, smiling. "My Mom liking it so much? She was very… _optimistic_. I liked the idea of being optimistic. I just never really was. I'm a little too anxious."

I smiled at her. "You're very interesting," I told her, not thinking much about it. It was just true. I thought it the moment I first saw her. I knew I had to get to know about her. I knew there was something to her I didn't want to miss out on.

Her cheeks turned pink again and she looked back at the dress. It was silent for a moment before she decided. "I think I might try it on."

She did try it on and she looked at herself in the mirror with a smile on her face. That's when I realized how big of a deal it was. A dress. A yellow dress. Not miraculous or anything, but it made her happy, and that made me feel good because I knew if I hadn't been there she would have just bought something that allowed her to fade into the background, just like she always tried to do.

She was beaming the rest of the night, in a great mood, and at the end of our date when I walked her to her front door, she didn't want me to go.

I kissed her a long kiss goodbye before saying, "I'll see you later."

I took a step away from her, but as I started turning toward my truck, I felt her hand on my arm. She was looking at me almost confused, half-smiling and furrowing her eyebrows. She tilted her head at me.

"Wait," she said. "Don't you want to come in?"

"Oh," I said. "Yeah. Okay."

I had been invited in her house before. It was nothing new. But I knew it wasn't like usual that time because of the way she looked at me—like she was waiting on something. There was something I was supposed to do, and I knew exactly what it was.

She led me inside by my hand and we stood in front of the stairs, just looking at each other, but just for a second, because I kissed her quickly. I didn't lean in slowly, didn't take my time closing the gap between us. It was a swift motion. One hand on her cheek and the other at her waist, then my lips against her lips. There was a bit of urgency behind it, and when we broke apart, she opened her eyes and gave me a smile.

She took me upstairs. We started kissing again. Onto her bed. I was on top. She pulled my shirt off.

Evidently we were going to have sex.

Okay. That was fine with me. I'd been meaning to get that out of the way anyway.

I thought it wouldn't matter to me, though. I thought I'd just do it with her and then leave, and not feel much of anything. I definitely didn't think I would get _nervous_. I didn't get nervous over anything, really. But there was something about her hands, and the way she was moving underneath me, that told me she knew exactly what she was doing. She'd been there before. Plenty of times.

That surprised me. I didn't expect that. I had actually thought she was a virgin.

I had only been there once before. I hardly knew what I was doing.

It didn't matter to me, but it mattered to her, and _she_ mattered to me, and if I didn't do it right then that could just ruin everything for her. Sometimes I forgot that for most people sex _was_ a huge deal and no matter how I felt about it, I shouldn't have been taking it so lightly. It wasn't about me; it was about her.

She moved down to my neck, kissing it not gently, but not roughly either. I opened my eyes as she did that and looked in front of me, at her wall, only then noticing the crucifix above her bed.

I was already nervous, and she had a _crucifix_ above her _bed_.

It wasn't like I was religious. I only went to church on Easter and my parents never told me much about God or anything like that. My grandparents tried when I was little, but the only thing I could still remember was John 3:16.

Still, I couldn't fuck a girl with _Jesus_ watching. That was just _wrong_.

I closed my eyes tightly then, trying to forget about the cross, pretending I had never seen it in the first place and focusing on Ella.

But I must have done something wrong because as she was making her way back up to my lips she stopped suddenly.

"Are you okay?" She asked quietly, confused, and looking up at me with her dark eyes.

I opened my eyes and again, they landed on Jesus, and I knew that I couldn't go through with that.

I rolled my eyes at that crucifix, hung in a place that it should never have been hung, especially since Ella had clearly been in the same situation before with another guy, or other guys, and I couldn't imagine that no one else got creeped out by that.

"No," I answered honestly, rolling off of her and sitting up. "I think I should go."

"Why?" She asked, offended. She sat up too, raising her eyebrows at me as she waited for my reply, her way of letting my know it better be a damn good one.

I shook my head. "I just… I don't think it's the right time."

She rolled her eyes and said, "Okay."

I put on my shirt and she got on her phone like she was bored.

"I'll text you," I said.

"Okay," she said, looking up at me for just a second before going back to her Twitter.

I went back home pretty pissed at myself. I wanted to sleep with Ella. I guess I did, I mean. I don't know if I had ever really _wanted_ to sleep with anyone, because I just didn't have those feelings, but I didn't _mind_ it at all, and I knew it was something I had to do and I was fine with that. I wanted to sleep with her because she wanted to sleep with me and I wanted to make her happy. But it just didn't happen that night.

My first time was with Kim and it happened the night before she left for New York. She just came and sat on my bed and looked at me and I knew. It was easier with her. Almost even simple, almost came natural. I thought it was perfectly fine and she seemed happy.

I guess I just always thought that sex was a small thing, though. That night with Kim was nice, but I had so many other memories of her that meant more to me.

As I thought about that, I really missed Kim. Old Kim. The one I knew all the way through. But when I got back to my apartment and saw New Kim sitting outside my door, she seemed close enough to the girl I did know, and all the anger I had towards her earlier that day was gone.

She came back and I was okay with that. I still had a million questions, but I had a feeling that eventually they would all be answered.

She ended up answering a couple the second I walked up to her.

She looked up at me from her place on the floor. She had her knees pulled up to her chest and she seemed upset (my fault, most likely). Quickly, she told me a story.

"I went to school for one month. Then I quit. It was too hard and I couldn't do it. I hate school anyway. I never gave a fuck about learning. When I dropped out, I moved in with this guy... for almost a year. But then he moved on and so I had to too and there was this... other guy... and he was going to Chicago. And he asked if I wanted to go with him and I couldn't think of any better option so I just did but that ended up not working out either so I came back to you because I knew that—I thought that—you would be nice to me. I just wanted someone to be nice to me."

I simply said, "Come on inside." I couldn't think of any better thing to say in response, but really, I had a feeling she didn't want me to comment on any of it anyway.

* * *

 **A/N: HOW WAS THAT? I tried! Really really was a difficult one for me.**

 **But anyway, how do y'all feel about Kim now? And Ella? And Jack? And Ella and Jack? And Kim and Jack?**

 **Okay too many questions ;)**

 **Please leave me a review if you're reading so I'll know to continue!**


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